My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
gm
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
