My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
