My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
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20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
In Canada they just call them geese
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
had to make it
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.