Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

This is my bus stop.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”