My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
crazy
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
How does someone manage that 🤨
Good morning y’all ☀️
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
This is hilarious
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.