My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak