My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Lucky old June.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Leaving the Barbers like
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?