Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.