Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.