Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”

“Omphalophobia.”

“Why do you know that?!?”

“I studied at the Navel Academy.”

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Morning.

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.