my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
What
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
do u think theres a butter planet?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
