my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Bread puns are on the rise!
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
how much does a mortician urn in a year