*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
And that about sums it up.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
“HELP WITH CAT”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
☠️☠️☠️
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves