My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
You Might Also Like
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.