Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

I’ve had worse

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining