My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.