Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.