My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
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I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
