My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
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My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids