Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

This is me