Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa