Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

This is a sub tweet

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.