Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!