Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days