My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is