Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?

“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.

Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.

*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.

A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…