My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
You Might Also Like
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok