Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.