My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
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the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Weirdly Wednesday.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.