My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.