My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
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#MeanwhileInCanada
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
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HEYYYY MACARENA
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
It’s a gift
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.