My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …