My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
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When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Acronyms got me like WTF?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.