Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?

I love art.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

My favorite female superhero

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again