My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
