My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
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“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me driving through Toronto
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Sing it!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.