Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.