My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?![]()
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
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