My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.