Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.

Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!