My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]