My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
sin harder.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
in the divorce i get custody of the little plate in the microwave
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.