My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
It’s a gift
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.