My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug