Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
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Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.