@iwearaonesie

my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast

“they’re eating dog food”

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@KentWGraham

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

@Pro_Jones_

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

@Abusitron

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

@Fred_Delicious

Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it

@jessforaminute

*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*

Join your brothers and sisters sweet child

@clichedout

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

@AmishPornStar1

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.