@iwearaonesie

my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast

“they’re eating dog food”

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@abbycohenwl

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

@kevinseccia

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

@moooooog35

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

@jctwritesstuff

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

@JD_KC

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

@unravelingfire

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

@joeheenan

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

@PleaseBeGneiss

ME: *trying to highlight text*

WORD: and the last letter of previous word?

ME: no, why? just follow my cursor

WORD: ok so just half this word?

ME: the whole word

WORD: k

ME: wtf

WORD: oops

ME: the word is gone

WORD: the word is gone