Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast
“they’re eating dog food”
You Might Also Like
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone