You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
my brother turned 30 this weekend and i’ll never forget what mom said when dad told her we’re growing up too fast
“they’re eating dog food”
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Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat*
Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.