My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”