Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?