My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are