My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.