My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
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Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”