My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

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At the library:

Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.

Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change


Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.


Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos


Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.


*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*


[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”


me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems


My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.



A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up