At the library:
Librarian: you have 45 cents in late fees.
Me: (adjusts bow tie then slides 50 cents across the table)
Keep the change
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up