My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
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Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue piesOkay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.