Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

Not messing around

My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.

Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

congratulations to them

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.