My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
favorite tropes as memes
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.