Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.