My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
You Might Also Like
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
So sick of all these stupid rules
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
