@ANastyGorilla

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

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@Co_Mill

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

@ADHDeanASL

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

@spookyDichotomy

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

@panmidwest

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

@IndecisiveJones

I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.

@DurtMcHurtt

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

@qwertying

It’s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

@iamspacegirl

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

@AlexvanBeek

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.