My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
You Might Also Like
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Spa day..😅
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
NASA has no chill
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that