My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
“How’s your day going?”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.