My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Yes
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.