@LostCatDog
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
@greenteam15
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
You Might Also Like
@LostCatDog
@TheTimmyToes
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
@MazMEDEA
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
@mommajessiec
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
@Dil_Tron
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
@FlyJ_
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
@AmishPornStar1
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
@sonictyrant
Police Chief: this whole place is a cesspool of drugs, booze and sex . I wanna know why damn it
Me: *remembering that i’d built this city on Rock&Roll* it’s a mystery alright
@rzarosco
If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
@hunkybloodydory
Had too much to think last night