My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Breaking news:
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.