I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Police Chief: this whole place is a cesspool of drugs, booze and sex . I wanna know why damn it
Me: *remembering that i’d built this city on Rock&Roll* it’s a mystery alright
If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it
Had too much to think last night