@greenteam15

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

You Might Also Like

@LostCatDog

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

@TheTimmyToes

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

@MazMEDEA

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

@mommajessiec

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

@Dil_Tron

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

@FlyJ_

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

@AmishPornStar1

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

@sonictyrant

Police Chief: this whole place is a cesspool of drugs, booze and sex . I wanna know why damn it

Me: *remembering that i’d built this city on Rock&Roll* it’s a mystery alright

@rzarosco

If I ever murder anyone I’m going to hide the body on my second or third page of favstar where no one will ever find it