My bucket list.

1. Buy bucket.

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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.


I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn’t be president and Trump said “hold my beer, watch this”


My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.


Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.


When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been


Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”


doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you


[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.


My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.