@JukeJointJesse

My bucket list.

1. Buy bucket.

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@d3dgirl

i wanna delete all my socials soooo bad but tf am I gonna do? feed penguins?

@BoogTweets

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

@behindyourback

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

@yaboydil

[In elevator]
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*

@egg_dog

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

@iwearaonesie

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

@seamussaid

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

@moose_chocolate

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday.

In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.