@JukeJointJesse

My bucket list.

1. Buy bucket.

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@Dirty_Naomi

Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.

@GensPlace

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

@squirrel74wkgn

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

@haleysfalling

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

@freudianscript

I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.

@iwearaonesie

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

@evidentlyblonde

When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.