[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.