@JukeJointJesse

My bucket list.

1. Buy bucket.

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@Peauxtassium

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

@TheMichaelRock

I bet all this shit started because someone told Trump he couldn’t be president and Trump said “hold my beer, watch this”

@randomlawless

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

@GrumpyComments

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

@elle91

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

@gengen874

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

@OllyiConic

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

@AuthorAlisa

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.