My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting