Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

incredible google review i just found

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.