My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.