“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
