ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
LOOOOOOL
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what