Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

“FRAAANCE!”

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

Bloody internet 😳

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored