Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”

HOWLING VOID: [howling]

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life

*frowns in Scottish*

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both