My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
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Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
