Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!