Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

1 kid: Makes you a mom.

2 kids: Makes you a maid.

3 kids: Makes you a manager.

4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon