my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I need this for my side hustle.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
